LET'S TALK ABOUT . . .


                                                          "SLIPPERY SLOPES"


It's winter!  Many moan and begin to plan their Winter Escapes to warmer, sunnier climates.  They dread the cold, the long dark days, all the "dressings" required to stay warm and safe, winterizing vehicles, stalled cars, parking bans for snow removal and so forth.  Then snow arrives, preceded by freezing rain that glazes surfaces creating skating rinks everywhere.  Caution and traction becomes the foci of getting from Point A to Point B in snowy climates.

As much as slippery slopes are dangerous on streets and sidewalks in winter, they are also dangerous in other arenas of our lives, externally and internally.  For example, choosing to do what appears to be a good thing can become a slippery slope if the driving motive internally is compromised or just simply not good.  External behaviors are often compromised by unhealthy intentions or motivations.  Using external behaviors as covers intended to hide lying, scheming, conniving or manipulative motivations are familiar examples of this.     

When the chosen behavior does not produce the desired outcome, that gets us whatever it is we really want without coming clean, we are on a slippery slope.  The behavior then produces either a landslide of internal dynamics to suppress or work through or becomes a more sophisticated strategy aimed at a second attempt to secure the desired outcome.  These attempts can escalate into desperate attempts to get whatever it is we are really seeking. 

We probably most readily relate this to parenting and teaching children to ask for what they want or need.  At first, they act out these desires and needs, especially pre-verbally.  With time, parents hope they learn to "use their words," making the whole process potentially much smoother for all involved. It sounds like such a straight forward process, "just ask!"  It is, however, not that simple.  If it were, hopefully we would all do it more often and with more congruence and integrity between our internal and external selves! 

For some no one ever cared what they needed or wanted, leaving them unsure themselves of either what that "something" is or without words to express however much of it they may be able to put into words.  For others their needs and wants were deemed unimportant or shamed, leaving them unable to get outside of themselves and ask.  In some families certain members needs and wants were more the focus than those of other members.  Sometimes that is a matter of favoritism or deferment within the family system and its members.  Perhaps the message was simply "take care of yourself" or to use an archaic and politically incorrect phrase, "every man for himself."  Perhaps it was the confusion and blurry lines between wants and needs or the conversion of one to the other.  There are many reasons and scenarios we could recite for why we are not proficient at this essential life skill.

Whatever our historic or early childhood experiences, we all carry these "norms" into our adolescent and/or adult lives.  It is also important to recognize that there are both individual and systemic norms around these processes.  For example, an individual can be quite capable of asking for what they need but if their method of asking does not match the acceptable systemic format, it will not become a successful transaction.  Some refer to this as knowing how to play the systemic game to get whatever it is one perceives they want or need.
 
Attempting to take care of oneself and ask for what you want or need is a life skill.  We need not feel shame for still being in the process of refining both ourselves and the systems within which we live.  We need to keep working at it, exercising those muscles.  Our wants and needs can become slippery slopes that cause us to fall or land in places we never intended. 

As we approach this Holiday season it is a good opportunity to check out ourselves and our systems for how we are doing in terms of the health dynamics around our wants and needs.  If you never ask, try.  If you ask too much, try refining or refraining.  Be aware of those who so easily slip through the cracks or are the demanding members of your family systems.  This is such an acceptable time of year to practice new skills and shake off whatever has prevented you in the past.  Best Wishes!

Until next time . . . this is, Just Janice!