LET'S TALK ABOUT . . .


                                                          "SLIPPERY SLOPES"


It's winter!  Many moan and begin to plan their Winter Escapes to warmer, sunnier climates.  They dread the cold, the long dark days, all the "dressings" required to stay warm and safe, winterizing vehicles, stalled cars, parking bans for snow removal and so forth.  Then snow arrives, preceded by freezing rain that glazes surfaces creating skating rinks everywhere.  Caution and traction becomes the foci of getting from Point A to Point B in snowy climates.

As much as slippery slopes are dangerous on streets and sidewalks in winter, they are also dangerous in other arenas of our lives, externally and internally.  For example, choosing to do what appears to be a good thing can become a slippery slope if the driving motive internally is compromised or just simply not good.  External behaviors are often compromised by unhealthy intentions or motivations.  Using external behaviors as covers intended to hide lying, scheming, conniving or manipulative motivations are familiar examples of this.     

When the chosen behavior does not produce the desired outcome, that gets us whatever it is we really want without coming clean, we are on a slippery slope.  The behavior then produces either a landslide of internal dynamics to suppress or work through or becomes a more sophisticated strategy aimed at a second attempt to secure the desired outcome.  These attempts can escalate into desperate attempts to get whatever it is we are really seeking. 

We probably most readily relate this to parenting and teaching children to ask for what they want or need.  At first, they act out these desires and needs, especially pre-verbally.  With time, parents hope they learn to "use their words," making the whole process potentially much smoother for all involved. It sounds like such a straight forward process, "just ask!"  It is, however, not that simple.  If it were, hopefully we would all do it more often and with more congruence and integrity between our internal and external selves! 

For some no one ever cared what they needed or wanted, leaving them unsure themselves of either what that "something" is or without words to express however much of it they may be able to put into words.  For others their needs and wants were deemed unimportant or shamed, leaving them unable to get outside of themselves and ask.  In some families certain members needs and wants were more the focus than those of other members.  Sometimes that is a matter of favoritism or deferment within the family system and its members.  Perhaps the message was simply "take care of yourself" or to use an archaic and politically incorrect phrase, "every man for himself."  Perhaps it was the confusion and blurry lines between wants and needs or the conversion of one to the other.  There are many reasons and scenarios we could recite for why we are not proficient at this essential life skill.

Whatever our historic or early childhood experiences, we all carry these "norms" into our adolescent and/or adult lives.  It is also important to recognize that there are both individual and systemic norms around these processes.  For example, an individual can be quite capable of asking for what they need but if their method of asking does not match the acceptable systemic format, it will not become a successful transaction.  Some refer to this as knowing how to play the systemic game to get whatever it is one perceives they want or need.
 
Attempting to take care of oneself and ask for what you want or need is a life skill.  We need not feel shame for still being in the process of refining both ourselves and the systems within which we live.  We need to keep working at it, exercising those muscles.  Our wants and needs can become slippery slopes that cause us to fall or land in places we never intended. 

As we approach this Holiday season it is a good opportunity to check out ourselves and our systems for how we are doing in terms of the health dynamics around our wants and needs.  If you never ask, try.  If you ask too much, try refining or refraining.  Be aware of those who so easily slip through the cracks or are the demanding members of your family systems.  This is such an acceptable time of year to practice new skills and shake off whatever has prevented you in the past.  Best Wishes!

Until next time . . . this is, Just Janice!

LET'S TALK ABOUT . . .


                                                  "A SEASON OF ANTICIPATION"


The last week of November, the American Thanksgiving and Black Friday signal the beginning of the Holiday season for millions of people.  My favorite aspect of this season is the anticipation that is associated with it.  We see it on the faces of many: children anticipating presents, a break from school and special activities; family members looking forward to being reunited and sharing their traditions; retailers anticipating sales; weary employees longing for a few days off to rest and celebrate; charities anticipating the generosity of others to help them meet their needs; the anticipation of a new year.

Hope is a part of this seasonal anticipation.  Not everyone, however, approaches this season with a sense of hopeful anticipation.  For many it is an empty and lonely time of year.  This is especially true for those who have no families, no jobs, no homes and no hope or viable means of securing them.  In the spirit of the season many open their hearts to the opportunities before them to share with others a portion of their blessings and hope.  Kudos to all who do or even wish too if unable!

We miss a huge part of what this season is all about if we fail to enjoy the anticipation.  Stress, lack of time and sleep, overloaded calendars, unpreparedness, unforeseen circumstances and feelings of obligation so often result in us just plowing through to the anticipated days and arriving exhausted just in time to hopefully enjoy what has barely been anticipated.  It is often a real task to continue to anticipate this season no matter the circumstances.

For a few generations a tradition has been passed down in my family around what is called The Mystery Gift.  Every Christmas I purchase a gift for several children and make up twenty-five clues, one per day in December.  If the child can guess what the mystery gift is they receive and open it early.  The intentionality is to generate anticipation.  Some years the clues have been too hard and probably generated more frustration than anticipation.  It can be a challenge to come up with all those clues.  For years these children have ended up with gifts and a monthly supply of chocolate chip cookies for playing the game and to generate anticipation every month till we play again.

For me this season is about the revelation of one of the most mysterious gifts humanity has ever known in the birth of Jesus, the Christ child.  It centers around Bethlehem and the manger scene.  It elicits anticipation, it generates controversy, it causes one to take pause and contemplate the power of a mystery that affects calendars, governments, history, news stories and so forth for millenniums.
Jesus claimed to be the Christ, the long-awaited Messiah and the Anointed One.  A claim that has, is and probably always will be either accepted or scandalous to millions.

How about you and your traditions?  How do you anticipate this season?  Is there mystery involved somewhere in your celebrations?  Warm wishes to all in the anticipation, actuality and aftermath!

Until next time . . . this is, Just Janice!

LET'S TALK ABOUT . . .


                                                  "VETTING TEMPLATES"


Vetting is an important process of examination and evaluation.  It determines what is an acceptable expression of ideology, position or creative endeavor.  In journalism and film we refer to the process as editing.  It attempts to safeguard against expressions that do not accurately express or portray what is desired.  It attempts to refine in order to lead to the desired outcome.  Individuals and collectives engage in vetting as a safeguard of expression and accountability.

We can never truly control communication.  By its very nature communication is at least a two party endeavor.  Vetting attempts to hone communication in order to avoid saying something that was never one's intention in the first place.  It is an attempt to communicate as accurately as possible and avoid unwanted interpretations as much as it lies within our capacity to do so.  Having said all of this, it is important to accept that human expressions and communications will always be vulnerable to interpretation.  We cannot control where they will land in another.  Lives have been constructively and destructively altered by a single word.  Life, itself, has, is and will be altered by a single word.

Take history as an example.  It is interpretive. This is why there are so many attempts at rewriting history with the perceived advantage of time and perspective coming to bear on the known facts.  The discovery of a single significant piece of previously unknown data can rewrite a chapter in history. The same is true in technology and science where research and development radically shift our notions, perspectives and ideologies regarding what is true or possible.

Another example is legal or forensic evidence.  Newly discovered evidence, like that provided by DNA, can turn a case upside down and flip a guilty or innocent verdict.   Connecting the dots between what was thought to be totally unrelated pieces of data can do the same thing.  The result is an entirely different picture of what really occurred as far as the new interpretation is capable of portraying.

We will never do it perfectly as human beings.  We can, however, attempt to do it well or to the best of our capacities at any given moment.  We need to be consciously intentional about how we express ourselves or bring ourselves to bear on any given situation.  It needs to always be done with an informed awareness of our own limitations and vulnerabilities at any given moment or in any given situation.  It is something we work at across our lifetime. 

Vetting templates are crucial to accurate expression and communication.  We all have templates, or grids, through which we send, receive and interpret our lives and our world.  We need to be increasingly aware of them and how that affects our expressions of self, our ability to accurately communicate.  It is okay to admit our limitations and vulnerabilities.  Integrity demands it.

None of us have it all figured out.  We just simply are not that good.  We are limited, finite human beings trying to get enough of our needs met to survive and, maybe, thrive in this world.  There are many who have never had the opportunity to even imagine the latter.  May we be vulnerably grateful for what life has afforded us, withhold judgments and grow in the knowledge of our own vetting templates, as well as their limitations and vulnerabilities.

Until next time . . . this is Just Janice!

LET'S TALK ABOUT . . .


                                                                  "Needs, Anyone?"


One of the basic building blocks of society is the family.  Across the years it has been redefined in
the service of various agendas, like being inclusive.  My favorite definition of family was articulated by a man named Johnson in an ethics textbook.  He defined family as learning to "live separately together."  While it sounds like an oxymoron, it attempts to hold both autonomy and community in a kind of well-differentiated tension. 

We are all similar and different.  We all have similar and different needs.  We all bring those needs into the family units in which we participate.  When our needs are either not met at all, not met enough on our terms, or just not sufficiently met there will be some kind of emotion generated within us.  The purest picture of this is infancy.  When their needs are not met they scream (baby rage).  One might interpret those nonverbal utterances as, "Quick! Get over here, figure out what I presently need and provide!" 

Failure to get our needs met as human beings may throw us into a survival mode.  We may cease to thrive and begin to just survive.  When that happens we may begin to see a progression of three continuums activated in the lives of those involved.  First, they may emotionally manifest either something between annoyed and enraged or disappointed and depressed.  Depending on whether their tendency is to turn those feelings inward or outward, the ability to esteem self or other may take a hit.

Second, if there is no response to those reactions, it begs an answer to the question, "If my needs are not being met, who is responsible for that failure?"  Those involved may find themselves somewhere between damaged to destroyed trust in self or other to responsibly get those needs met.  Depending on the perceived answer, the focus of the anger may be determined.

Third, if this goes on too acutely or chronically, the one involved may fall on a third continuum, somewhere between suspicious and paranoid.  Articulated it might sound something like, "I am angry and suspicious; I no longer trust anyone to care enough to even try to meet my needs."  Destruction of trust is a powerful entity in either an individual or community.

We see examples of this every week in our society and around the world.  That is part of the reason for the political tug-of-war over the vast resources of this world.  Although much of it is motivated by a desire for wealth and power, some recognize that without their needs met vast populations are left either in despair, helpless and powerless to effect any change, or enraged and engaged in effecting whatever change they perceive may be necessary to get their needs met.

In healthy families everybody's needs are important in order that everyone has an opportunity to thrive.  We all know that is an ideal but often not an accurate reflection of the reality.  We cannot change the whole world but we can try to live with a conscious intentional mindset of being aware of more than just our own needs.  We can practice healthy self-care while attending to the needs of others around us in our communities.

It will always be a challenge to live well in that tension.  How blessed we are if we can even engage that challenge because we are thriving well enough to not just be focusing everyday on surviving! Many of our charitable organizations that give so generously to societal and world communities are struggling to continue to do so.  I hope we will all be mindful to be grateful because we have been graciously blessed and give generously this year!

Until next time . . . this is, Just Janice!