LET'S TALK ABOUT . . .


                                                          "I NEED WHAT?"

Everyone has needs.  Everyone has desires.  They are certainly not the same thing!  Living in a society that is increasingly narcissistic it is interesting to watch how many desires have been turned into "legitimate" needs.  In contrast, sometimes we turn our needs into desires so it is not so painful or disappointing to not have them met.

We often struggle to know if we have confused needs and desires.  An easy way to distinguish is by the effect.  Our initial response to a blocked desire is often disappointment.  A blocked need may result in some sense of anger.  Even in these primary responses, we can quickly power up to a secondary response that confuses distinguishing by solely the effect when either is thwarted.

Another dynamic in our perception of both is early childhood conditioning that becomes our default setting.  For example, those who have known some measure of deprivation may have totally lost touch with what might be called "norms."  What we grow up with or stay in too long may distort our intuitive sense of what is "normal;" it may simply be what has become "normalized."  On the flip side, if children are overindulged that distorts their norms as well.  We are vulnerable on both sides.

All of this occurs on both individual and systemic levels.  If at a systemic level a legitimate need is not acknowledged, addressed or nurtured, it may become normalized that it is in fact something one  does not need.  This may lead to a kind of dysthymic or depressive response within individuals they do not even have a paradigm with which to conceptualize what has happened to them.  There may just be a nagging but undefined sense that they need something but have no clue what it is. 

On the flip side there could be an enraged sense one is entitled to something they cannot fathom that "life" or others are not providing them.  Their only paradigm is that they should have whatever it is and often immediately.  This may occur if one is overindulged or fails to learn delayed gratification.
Again, this may be the result of converting legitimate desires into perceived needs.

It is a continual life process to sift and sort out what one really needs or simply desires.  It is not the same across the life cycle; some are more age appropriate or oriented to a particular season of life.  It is part of healthy character development to be able to define, differentiate and live out the reality of our needs and desires with dignity.  It is not a simple linear formula toward a successful outcome.

There is very little in life we can constantly and consistently change or control.  To make either our goal in relation to having our needs and/or desires met may take us down the road to manipulative strategies.  Sometimes we fall into this trap without realizing it until hindsight engages us in a retrospective process.

So we work at it!  Hopefully, we offer grace along the way to fellow travellers on this journey we call life.  Hopefully, we do not shame others along the way for being different, for desiring or needing something different than we think we would or they should.

Until next time . . . this is, Just Janice!